#8 Why Do You Respond To "Difficult" Others Like That?

Uncover why unhelpful responses can last a long time, but needn't.

You might be wondering what’s helpful about this question.

Or thinking isn’t it one of those that’s laden with judgement? Isn’t blame implied by the phrase like that because, say, it’s not like this? (Something we covered at length in Post #1 - What Makes For A Helpful Question?)

Well, of course, it could be, but in this case that’s not its intention.

I want to look more closely at why you, me, or anyone else responds to others we find difficult at any moment, in many different ways. After all, sometimes we do this well, sometimes we don’t, so, like that covers both possibilities and everything in between.

Difficult others in context

Before we zoom in on what others’ difficult behaviour looks like, and how we respond to it, let’s ponder on two observations about the nature of human nature itself.

In his book Humankind, Dutch historian and author Rutger Bregman, systematically unpacked what many of us have come to believe about our fellow humans.

He points to several reasons why, what prominent British journalist, broadcaster, and political commentator Andrew Marr once called “Darwin’s dangerous idea” - i.e. life is all about survival of the fittest - doesn’t stack up. On the contrary, survival of the friendliest more like.

In support of his case Bregman cites:

…Remarkable acts of kindness and solidarity seen during The Blitz in London in World War 2.

…How six boys stranded on an uninhabited island cooperated, created a functioning society and took care of each other, unlike the fictional "Lord of the Flies" narrative.

…Flaws in the study of intergroup conflict at a boys summer camp in the US, and the controversial Stanford Prison Experiment, where one group could administer electric shock punishments to another. Those conducting the experiment had been briefed to influence participants' behaviours to ensure the results fitted a pre-conceived hypothesis about our willingness to inflict pain on each other. Results that made the scientist who posited the hypothesis both well known and well off.

…Numerous instances of people coming to each other's aid during natural disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina and the 2011 earthquake and tsunami in Japan.

…The research of psychologist Ervin Staub, who studied genocides and societal violence, and concluded that the idea of humans becoming murderous monsters once an established order collapses, is a myth.

…Finally, a study in which researchers placed envelopes with money in them around a city. Contrary to the expectations that people would take the money, most of the envelopes remained untouched or were turned in to lost and found.

Among other examples, these accounts challenge prevalent beliefs that in times of crisis, people turn on each other. Also the assumption that humans are inherently violent when left to their own devices.

Similarly, now deceased Swedish physician, statistician, and global health expert, Hans Rosling, known for his passionate advocacy of data-driven insights into global development and public health, formed an organisation called Gapminder. Their data and insights into the probability of dying in war, over time, challenge the perception that the world is becoming more violent.

I realise this is no consolation to the people of war-torn Syria, Ukraine, Israel, Palestine and other places around the world at the time of writing. And who knows what the future holds? But the number of war-related deaths per year has decreased dramatically since the mid-20th century.

According to Bregman and Rosling then, among many others, we’re inherently collaborative creatures. We’ve made progress in reducing armed conflicts. We can surface mutual concerns and find mutually beneficial ways forward that no one party can achieve alone. We’ve grown massively in our number. Built infrastructure and food systems to support us. We are peace making.

Only folks suffering psychopathic symptoms, as well as those able to exercise power militarily, financially and otherwise coercively, whose minds are contaminated by past experiences, bad or dangerous ideas, disturb our ability to cooperate.

Does this help you consume a daily news digest, which is typically incentivised to grab your attention with shocking headlines about what isn’t working all around the world, from a different perspective? Or does the tendency we all have, to be biased towards negative news kick in, perhaps because we want to be on alert to the need to protect ourselves from harm?

See if you can pinpoint where your mind goes typically, when you understandably draw your own conclusions about the nature of human nature, based on your life experiences so far.

Closer to home

And if you bring your general take on the nature of human nature closer to home, what shows up when your partner, child, colleague, boss or whomever is being difficult? When, for instance, you witness any of the following, how do you respond?

• Someone is acting in their own self-interest, expressing their concerns and opinions yet rarely showing interest in those others hold.

• They’re not listening to anyone, other than selectively, to confirm or negate and reply accordingly, without fully understanding what you’ve tried to express.

• They’re using egoistic vocabulary such as talk of “battles”, “losers”, “heroes”, “villains” and “winning at all costs.” Saying “I” and “me” more than “we” and “us”.

• They let disagreements become divisive, which limits clear communication, closes down creative ideas and creates silo mentalities.

• They abdicate responsibility by blaming others for poor behaviour or referring upwards to more experienced folks to resolve issues on their behalf.

• They’re being rude, aggressive, obnoxious, brattish, brutish, naughty, mischievous, loud and any other adjective you have that means they’re “difficult”.

Taking things personally

To answer my own question, I know instantly, when I’m taking things personally in response to someone else’s behaviour that I find difficult.

It usually begins with a racing heart. A knot in the pit of my stomach soon follows. Sometimes my palms get sweaty. I zoom in on what was said, or what wasn’t, but could have been. Ditto for the other’s tone, the expressions on their face and their actions. I make why they’re difficult writ large.

Thoughts about whether to walk away, give as good as I received in retaliation, or do zilch, flood my consciousness. I think how dare you, or what right do you have to do that, or who the hell are you anyway. I feel affronted, insulted and indignant.

The stronger these feelings are, the more real my experience seems, and the more likely I am to blame the difficult other for them.

I’m reasonably confident that you will have experienced similar. The more your discombobulations intensify, the more immersed you become in full-on defensive mode. Thousands of years of biological and psychological evolution have prepared you for this survive-or-die moment.

Sure, you may have time to reflect at a later point. You might even have ways of managing your emotions to ameliorate their negative impacts. Such as..

..Thinking only positive thoughts.

..Not playing the victim-persecutor-rescuer game.

..Anchoring yourself to a memory of a time when you felt in control.

..Using self-affirmation statements.

..Reminding yourself of truisms such as Love Thy Neighbour.

..Lengthening the time you meditate.

..Praying etc.

And yet, dare I suggest, when your experience is in full swing, complete with racing heart, knot in stomach, sweaty palms and the rest, the option to experience the difficult other in any other way, is absent. Your reality is you have no choice other than to live out the unhelpful experience you’re in the throes of.

Or so it seems.

For those of you who read Helpful Questions Change Lives regularly, you will know I often talk about the screen we each have in our minds. I also suggest that when I, you or any one of us are unaware of the sensations, thoughts and feelings on it, which we project onto whoever and whatever is happening around us, we’re left with no option other than to believe our experience is happening to us, rather than emanating from us.

Taking things impersonally

I know the suggestion that a troubling experience emanates from us, rather than happens to us, sounds a bit cold. Weird even. Especially if you’re reading this post because someone in your life is being difficult at the moment, and setting your heart racing and the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up. I understand how hard it can be to read or hear that.

But, what I’m encouraging you to explore is whether the contents of your consciousness - those sensations, thoughts and feelings you’re witnessing - aren’t personal at all, they’re impersonal.

If you take a look at Post#4 - How We Experience Life Is Mysterious. Isn’t It? you may realise that whatever the contents of consciousness arising in you are, how they got there in the first place, is somewhat mysterious. In addition, that they’ve arisen at all, automatically, without you summoning or choosing them, isn’t your fault, or some character flaw, or other defect in your personality. They just are. Impersonal.

Furthermore, if you’re wondering just how much influence you have over what’s happening on your sometimes-hidden-but-always-there internal screen, Post #5 What Influence Do You Have Over Your Experience In Each Moment? offers up some help in how you answer that question.

Once again, if you view what’s there as impersonal, rather than personal, you might see just how much of what’s on your screen you can and can’t influence. And from there, having more clarity on why you respond to difficult others like that, whether that be helpful, unhelpful or neither, becomes a distinct possibility.

The key to this is noticing your sensemaking in real time, as it’s happening. While I have no influence over that, note what I’m encouraging you to realise for yourself here. Those inevitable, albeit unhelpful responses, we can all have when others demonstrate difficult behaviours, could stick around for 50 years, 5 years, 5 months, 5 minutes or 5 seconds. Which, depends on whether we’re viewing our sensations, thoughts and feelings through a personal or impersonal lens.

In the video below I share my own sensemaking with respect to difficult others. In particular I look at:

• the loop my feelings can take me in, which I can easily be unaware of

• what changes when I notice my feelings through an impersonal lens

• what prolongs or shortens the length of time I spend feeling uneasy about someone else.

You’re very welcome to join me if you think that may be of help to you.

Kindest,

Roger

To help you plan your time, this video last about 19 minutes.

And I encourage you to see it as 20 minutes invested though! In you first and foremost. Potentially, it could save you hours of thinking time, figuring out how to feel differently about the difficulties someone else has, or is, causing you.

As ever watch in a quiet space, if you can, with few distractions other than a cuppa or a coffee or even something stronger!

Enjoy watching and listening.