#39 Insights: Wondering What Your Next One Might Be?

Explore why wondering about difficult situations beats overthinking them.

Hi, I write about the why-do-we-experience-life-as-we-do question.

I find it’s helpful to those who seek to understand why they, and those around them, live in the realities they do and behave accordingly.

You’re very welcome here.

Enjoy getting in touch with the sensations, thoughts and feelings that come your way continuously. For they inform how you make sense of what’s going on and the actions you take - do they not?.

Oh, and remember to wonder what new insights may appear should old sense making and overthinking dissipate or not be taken so seriously - as explored below!

---

We live in a thought-created reality.

Take what’s going on in your mind right now - as you read this.

You might be feeling some anticipation about the contents of this post. Or scepticism, perhaps because you’ve heard it all before in one guise or another. Or your mind might be busy focusing on a task list as long as your arm and you want to get to the gist swiftly. You may be distracted by something going around you, or anything else occupying your attention.

Your impersonal capacity to think, which we all have, and your personal thinking - the way you’re making sense of conscious thoughts flowing through you - is creating whatever your experience happens to be in this moment.

If the claim I make here looks even a little bit true to you, being more aware of whether your stream of thought is flowing freely or caught up in some weeds, and even a whirlpool perhaps, can be helpful. When we get stuck, stagnant or swirling, for example, we might see that unhelpful sense making is in play. Troubling or chaotic feelings that inhibit us being at our best, confirm this is the case.

At such times the risk of ruminating and overthinking is understandably high. Many of us have been conditioned to think our way through problems, to work them out, logically and sensibly. That’s how we find new solutions. We rely on our rational selves to get us through these less-than-ideal feelings.

Breakthroughs, however, be they in any field of study as well as our personal lives, tend not to come from our logical selves. They emerge from trial and error, from accidents, coincidences and serendipity. Personally speaking, they usually occur when I least expect them, when I’m preoccupied doing something completely different, or when relaxed in the early hours, say, or in the shower or out in nature.

You too will have had them before. I refer to them as ‘insights’.

They are previously unconsidered configurations of thought that just appear in consciousness, as if from nowhere. They interrupt old sense making and thought patterns we’ve been familiar with for some time. Unlike a fleeting idea, which we discard or forget easily, insights normally have a strong, positive feeling attached to them. They cause us to feel relieved, excited and optimistic. They bring new possibilities and are compelling. They weaken our tendency to ruminate and overthink stuff, simply because the need to do this has evaporated; we see the way ahead far more clearly than we’ve done before.

We can’t summon insights up on demand though. They don’t work that way. In this always-on world we live in, I understand why that can be problematic.

We want instant answers. Additionally, conditioned as many of us are to value our logical selves, we become less able and willing to trust the mind’s capacity to let new insights in and shift our perspective on an issue. Low trust and no immediacy increases the risk of overthinking and rumination; we get that going-round-in-circles feeling. We get caught in a metaphorical whirlpool that prevents our stream of thought flowing freely. We’re not open to new thoughts.

Wondering, on the other hand, helps us rebuild trust in our mind’s capacity to have insights. To experiment with this try starting a sentence with “I wonder” rather than “I think.”

For instance, notice what happens in your mind as you contrast these two statements…

I wonder which thoughts are making me feel lousy about this or that

..and..

I think I feel lousy because of this or that.

Notice the difference?

I think makes this or that out there the cause of your lousy feeling.

I wonder doesn’t, it recognises the way you’re making sense of the thoughts that come to you about this or that is at the root of your lousy feeling.

In Post #4, among others, I point to the fact that where thoughts come from is somewhat mysterious. Sure, our memory is one place, as that’s where patterns or neural pathways laid down by our conditioning, reside. Insights, however, break those patterns, they forge new pathways creating a fork in the road so to speak. Other than the mind quietening and us feeling relaxed, quite how isn’t yet clear, but whatever the cause might be, wondering invites it in.

To me, wondering is a form of surrender. By that I mean my intellect cannot know all there is to know. At times it causes dis-ease in me and I need new thinking. So, I surrender to the notion that insights will arise as and when, without me summoning them. And the more they do the more I trust they will continue in future. The more I trust the less ruminating and overthinking I do. More often than not I find myself in this positive-reinforcing loop.

Wondering helps me let go. It interrupts strong emotions that can easily hijack me if I’m unaware of how my mind operates. It creates a new way forward that some describe as being more…well…insightful.

Insights vary in both frequency and significance

What looks significant to one person - variously described as aha or penny-dropping moments, epiphanies, realisations, wake-up calls, awakenings etc., - may not be to others. One person’s wake-up call may just seem like common sense or the norm to those around you.

This might explain why we’re sometimes reluctant to talk about insights. When we realise for the first time that which many have known for a while, we can feel a little silly or behind the curve. Similarly, when we’re ahead of the curve and have had an insight about a better if different kind of future, expressing this may make us look odd or detached in some people’s eyes.

That said, we’re each uniquely different. If a compelling insight is significant for you because it can create more good than harm, and it fills you with relief, enthusiasm and possibility, cherish it. It’s what matters to you that counts, not what everyone else has already perceived or could do downstream.

Some examples of significant insights

Remember: like beauty, significance is in the eye of the beholder.

1. “We all have innate mental wellbeing”

To a depression sufferer like I was, this seemed like a trite and somewhat ridiculous idea.

Yet my journey through different therapies in search of a cure, fuelled my curiosity about the very nature of experience and how it’s created in the human mind.

Such an inquiry helped me realise a cure was inside me all the time. It was indeed innate, I just hadn’t seen it. My stream of thought was caught up in the weeds, going round and round in circles. Events such as divorce and estrangement from my daughters had been difficult at the time and remained so. They added to that poor-old-me story in my head, which shaped how I lived my life and left me feeling depressed much of the time.

Until it didn’t any longer. The penny dropped. My relationship with my thoughts, especially past memories, changed. Life became more about wondering what could be, more than dwelling in what hadn’t been but I wished had. I’d opened a new chapter or perhaps started a new book.

No doubt, for others, similar realisations happened at a much younger age or were not needed at all. Turbulent mental weather didn’t bring them down in the same way it did for me. In my case though, it was significant and something I’m so grateful for.

Eventually, this shift led me to here - to write about this stuff on Helpful Questions Change Lives.

Is your mental wellbeing innate?

2. “Wellbeing is integral to great performance not its by-product”

For years I thought wellbeing was the by-product of a job well done. It took the form of a bonus, pride and recognition of my achievements by others.

The search for such accolades made me needy. I felt in competition with others. And that showed in behaviour that was not conducive to being a good team player.

What I hadn’t realised was when my mind is less caught up, and in a calm state of equilibrium - a kind of alert-and-mindful mental state I now describe as wellbeing - how I performed was much better.

Wellbeing seen this way helps me listen more readily and hear where people are coming from. I’m more open to new ideas and willing to explore them. Differences don’t faze me. My sense making of situations in which many people are involved is much clearer. Consequently, my decision making feels grounded - it’s based on more evidence than is the case when I just shoot from the hip.

These aren’t qualities I learn in the same way I might acquire skills, they’re innate. They’re accessible when my mind is not busy. It’s in its natural wellbeing state, which I’ve come to see is integral to great performance not the rewards that come your way afterwards.

3. “Creating the right conditions in which people can flourish”

Regular readers and listeners will know I work in the leadership and team development space. For decades we’ve thought about leadership in many different ways - the hero / heroine, the charismatic visionary, the dictator etc.

Such thinking colours how we respond to leaders and what we do when we step into a leadership role. In short we’ve come to see leaders as the chief sense maker, decision maker and action taker.

Life’s got more uncertain and complex of late though. The pace of social and technological change is exponential. The idea that a leader at the top of a hierarchy can know in sufficient detail most of what’s needed to make sense of situations, and decide what to do, is out of date and very difficult to accomplish.

When contemplating the way he’d thought about leadership in the past with the fast-changing circumstances he’s now in, a director I recently worked with had this insight:

“My role isn’t to be the main sense maker, decision maker and action taker it’s to create the conditions in which many others in our business can repeatedly flourish in all three.”

In my case I had seen the value of decentralising decision making back in the nineties, so this was common place for me. For my client though it was as if he’d freed himself of a heavy burden he’d been carrying around for years.

It’s what mattered to him, not me, that counts.

4. “It’s all about behaviour”

Another client announced this insight to his team colleagues at a workshop I was facilitating recently. The ‘it’ referred to the way his firm does business and how easy that felt for his staff and the external stakeholders they interact with. In his mind, for too long, doing business was anything but easy.

He led several construction projects. Each took place in a very litigious atmosphere. Unhealthy disagreements were rife; no one wanted to be left holding the financial baby should risks materialise. Delays and cost overruns seemed inevitable and made for a culture in which few felt they were succeeding.

His insight interrupted his normal thought patterns. These suggested what counted most was someone’s expertise, their track record, their capacity to smell danger and ‘kick arse’ when things are not on track.

His it’s-all-about-behaviour insight came from the heart. You could feel its power as he spoke about it. It was born of a recognition that differences on any project are inevitable. They arise whenever a group is exploring what’s wrong, what caused it and the best way to fix it, for good. Handling them well is intrinsically connected to how he and his colleagues behaved. If how they went about their roles left people feeling respected, cared for, appreciated and that they belong, the probability of finding good-quality solutions more quickly was much higher. In this context the ‘kick-arse’ mantra seemed a last resort, not the go-to one, every time a problem reared its head.

Again, “it’s all about behaviour” can seem trite to some and a bit late in the day for others. But they don’t matter here, what does is how this very personal insight helped this particular director make a big difference to how people felt about working with him on the myriad of challenges construction projects continuously throw up.

Thanks for being here. I’m going to take a 6-week summer break from next week. This is a time to slow down after a very busy few months. My plan is to do some coastal walking and, maybe, have one or two new insights of my own.

I will start writing after that and I hope you’ll join me again then.

Kindest,

Roger

---

Want A Conversation With Me?

When you’re ready there are two ways I can help…

If you want to explore unanswered questions that arise after letting what you’ve read here on Helpful Questions Change Lives sink in a bit, join me for a 45-minute, online Ask Me Anything Conversation using this link.

—

If you’d like to have me alongside you for a while, guiding you as your awareness of the contents of your consciousness grows, and you observe changes in the way you experience life, my 2-hour Guiding Conversations will help. 

You decide how many you need, based on what unfolds in each.

---

Other useful, free posts.

You can find all the posts in my first series here.

While it’s good to pick those whose titles speak to you most, I recommend these five in particular:

• #3 Being Right Here Right Now - Hard To Do? - This covers the idea of being fully present and what distracts us from that.

• #4 How We Experience Life Is Mysterious. Isn’t It? - This goes to the heart of the mystery surrounding why we get sensations, thoughts and feelings in the first place, and what the implications are of being at ease with this.

• #5 What Influence Do You Have Over Your Experience In Each Moment? - Here I look at what is and is not within our control and where we can exert influence when changing our experience.

• #6 If You Saw Wellbeing Like This, What Difference Would It Make? - If BEING WELL RIGHT NOW is the goal, this describes what that’s like and how our feelings can be a useful warning sign of wellbeing’s absence.

• #8 Why Do You Respond To “Difficult” Others Like That? - Here I invite you to consider some of the deeper, often-hidden assumptions we hold about the nature of human nature, and their impact on your experience of difficult others.